( Whistling )
Bully ?
Bully, what did... How ?
How ?
What ?
How ?
Ben ?
Dad ?
Ben, you're In the dumpster.
Dad !
What are you Doing in the dumpster ?
It's one thing... Do you recognize this ?
That's bully.
One thing To be unemployed...
Dad, that's bully.
What's it doing in the-- Oh, jeez.
Oh, did i, uh...
I didn't throw it out.
You know what ?
I had grace-- Was in here last week,
And i told her, "whatever's In that linen closet.
We never use it."
"Just toss it." Grace knows bully.
Well, i told her That whatever she--
You told her To throw out bully.
I never said The word bully.
I said the linen closet Is unusable
Because it's so Packed full of junk.
Well, how could you--
You know bully is my Favorite stuffed animal.
It has been Since i was two.
How do you let This happen ?
Well, let me Ask you something--
When was the last time you Spent any time with bully,
If it's your favorite Stuffed animal ?
Oh, that's none Of your business,
How much time i spend With bully.
Okay, ben-- i don't have Time to discuss this now.
Clean yourself off.
Well, you better think twice Next time about this, dad,
'Cause this isn't good, This isn't good.
You know, i gotta tell you, I'm a little embarrassed,
Sitting here, talking To a guy in the dumpster.
Can we continue this Conversation later ?
Well, i guess i just expect An apology, dad,
Because, you know, It just shows, i guess,
A lack of consideration For my stuff.
Well, should i Apologize for trying
To create an environment
In which two Adults can live ?
What are You trying to say ?
That because i have a stuffed Animal, i'm not adult ?
I think you Said it eloquently.
No, all i'm saying is That we need
The use of That closet, ben.
I have Human friends, too.
Well, do you keep them In a linen closet ?
Would you Throw them out ?
Touche, my young son.
Ray ? Yeah ?
Now, You didn't go into
This marriage thing Blindly, you know.
Somebody should Have told me.
Somebody should have--
You should Live together first.
That's what you Should do.
I didn't Know what to--
You know what ?
The first day you move in, You realize--
I had no experience.
I came from My parents' house.
Right.
The first day is crucial,
'Cause you make the choices That don't seem important,
Like what side of The bed do you want.
That seemed like it was Trivial at the time,
But that's my Side for life now.
I blew the call.
I didn't look-- i didn't Look at the tv angle.
No, you don't Think about those things.
You know what i did ?
I went with my Childhood instincts.
I took the side that Was away from the door,
In case the boogeyman Comes in.
I factored that in.
All right, the boogeyman Would get her.
I'll be in My spaceship by then.
Yeah, well, i found out all The roles i was gonna play
Right after i got married.
You know, you think You know 'em all.
You think, "oh, it's take out The garbage and mow the lawn."
Those are The traditional roles.
Right after i got married,
I found out that in The middle of the night
I was now the automatic Noise checker-outer.
Every little thing, "what Was that, what was that ?"
"Oh, it's nothing."
"Oh, check it out ! Check it out !
"What do You mean nothing ?
"That could be A burglar with a gun.
"So be careful.
"Go, watch out, Put your slippers on.
"Might have to run.
"And bring me up A yogurt if it's nothing.
"Either way, i want A yogurt either way.
Don't come back without A yogurt, slipper boy."
Oh, so you're--
I'm the noise checker.
Second place Swim trophy ?
Third place swim Trophy ?
Runner up swim trophy ?
My other trophy.
Hey, ben-- What are you--
What's going on here, What are you doing ?
Um, putting labels On all my stuff, dad.
Why are you doing that ?
Well, the red labels Will inform you
That you are not To touch or remove
These objects from My room.
And, uh-- Ah, i get it.
This is all about-- That's right.
And the yellow labels
Are that you can Take them out of the room,
But you can't remove them From the house.
And the green labels mean you Can take them out of the house,
But you can't Give them away.
You have to bring Them back.
Okay, I get the idea, ben.
Do you think this Is necessary ?
Well, obviously it is,
Because of what Happened this morning.
You don't think that This is something
We could Just talk about
And then act like Responsible adults ?
The beige labels, dad, Mean that--
Where did you Get beige labels ?
I don't own these items.
I'm borrowing them From somebody else.
Therefore if You take them out,
Then you have somebody else To deal with, not me.
Because they're Somebody else's.
What is it you're Saying here, ben ?
Well, maybe it's not Just about bully, dad.
Maybe by you Throwing out bully,
You're giving me a signal That maybe i'm next.
Maybe you throw Me out, maybe i leave.
Ben, have i ever put Any pressure on you
To leave this house,
To move out, to live The life of a young adult ?
Have i ever suggested that I could use this as my office
And maybe a little Upright piano ?
Have i ever in a zillion Years suggested to you
That your Presence in my life
Is anything but Rewarding ?
So don't go reading Stuff into this.
So you Don't want me out.
I don't want You out, ben.
I mean, at some point, You will spread wings and fly.
You know, you will wanna be Out on your own someday,
And you will know When that day is.
Oh, yeah, I'm gonna fly.
I'll fly, You know i will.
You put-- i notice you put A red label on your labels.
Remind me-- What does that mean ?
( Singing ) * Well the fox went out
* On a chase one night
* He prayed for The moon to give him light *
Okay, that's nice.
* He had many A mile to go that night *
* Before he reached The town-o *
Come on, ben.
* Town-o-- Come on, benny.
* Couple of miles-- Dad, hold up here.
Dad !
I don't mean to interrupt, But i think i'm gonna turn in.
Ben, you used to Love that song.
What's... What's the matter ?
Well, I still love it, dad.
It's a great old song.
I'm just a little tired, I guess,
And a little Too much excitement
For one night, you know-- First the chicken pot pie,
Now the song.
I get it, i get it.
You wanna hear Some snoopy dog dog.
Is that it ?
Snoop doggy dog.
I can do that.
( Jazz chords )
Yes. Dad.
Ow. Yeah.
I think i hurt something.
I don't even know Contemporary music,
To tell you--
I lost track after The buckinghams retired.
Wanna hear A little blues ?
No.
( Blues intro )
That's bluesy, All right.
Wow, this is exactly What i didn't wanna hear.
Right now.
You sure know what You're doing on that.
You're picking.
You're picking Fine blues.
You know, Your mother and i,
We used to listen To the blues
All the time when We were in school.
That's a great story, Dad.
What, uh--
* Doodle-oodle Um-pum-pum-pum ! *
Hey, dad, as opposed to Playing to me every night,
Maybe you should-- You're good.
Maybe you Should go to, like--
I know a couple places That have open mic nights.
You go, You sign up
And you play in front Of an audience.
Well, i'm not In that league.
These guys are guys who do Nothing but play the guitar,
And this for me Is just a hobby.
No, no, no.
Well, What would i sing ?
Do you need to sing Original songs ?
'Cause i haven't written A song in 20 years.
It's all folk.
It's all folk music ? It's all folk.
Do you Think i'm that good ?
That i could get up there and Keep an audience captivated ?
No.
On the edge Of their seat ?
Um, i mean, i think you're Capable enough to, yeah,
Make an impression On people.
Ben, thank you For your support.
Yeah.
* Jimmy cracked Corn and i don't care *
Oh, don't dad.
* Jimmy cracked corn, And i don't care *
Remember what you used To think it was called ?
Jimmy cracked corn ?
Yes, i do, yeah.
When you were little ?
"Immy ack orn !" Remember that ?
Immy ack... Ben, where you going ?
I'm gonna go To the bathroom.
I think i'm A little bloated.
This next song, Ladies and gentlemen,
Is about suffering.
God knows That's something that
We've all done A little bit of,
And i'm gonna tell you About it tonight.
I've been hurt So many times, folks.
( Strum )
Four-- Four times.
( Toilet flushing )
Guess what i paid For this sweater.
No.
Just take a guess.
Just take a guess, A wild guess.
I don't want to.
Okay, $5.
$5 ? What's Wrong with you ?
How could you even--
First of all, did you Look at what it's made of ?
It's made of lamb's wool, For god's sakes.
Here, read this.
"Plus sizes unlimited."
I'll smack you.
So think back To your childhood.
Yeah.
A little further.
And how do you Remember your mother ?
At the sink, rinsing Things out, constantly.
Mm-hm.
She'd be at the sink, Saying things like,
"Dear god, give me the strength To wash these brassieres."
Things like that.
She was Very depressed.
But the only way you Would cheer her up
Was you'd tell her You were going to a wake.
Then she'd say, "Oh, yeah, who died ?"
That would perk her up.
Well, you know, I'm divorced.
Yeah ?
Yeah.
And i don't really Wanna get married again.
I'm at the point where I want a man in my life
But not in my house.
Right.
I'm on the phone All day long.
I don't really See what they could do
All day long with me.
My feeling is come in, Attach the vcr, and get out.
Jeez, that's a pretty Strong statement.
Why all The anger at men ?
Where's that Coming from ?
Well, it's not that i-- I like men,
But i could get angry With them, yes, indeed.
Last year i spent $850 On pantyhose.
Men are still Wearing the same socks
They wore to junior High school.
They call them Their lucky socks.
How do you know that ?
I'm sick of them.
Folk music ?
Yeah, yeah.
Like an open mic, like Anybody can go, kind of--
Right, right yeah, Like, he gets up,
And he gets To play a song.
Folk songs ?
Yeah, old folk songs.
Folk songs-- That he wrote ?
Um, some originals, A couple covers.
Really ?
Yeah, yeah, and I thought you'd like to
Maybe come along with me And listen to him.
To be honest,
That sounds so horribly Painful and humiliating.
I mean, For you and for him.
Yeah, sort of.
I'll go ! Really ?
Yeah. Great.
Sex and marriage--
It's a cliche, But you have to work at it.
You have to reinvent The sex.
Someone actually told me To spice up the sex,
To try going to a motel.
Sure, if that works, You know.
Get a babysitter, Go to a motel.
Right.
You know, We tried that,
And the weird thing Is they give you
The motel room For four hours.
I don't know about You, doc,
But who needs A room for four hours ?
Well, some people like to, You know, unpack,
And, you know, Make the place their own.
I told the guy--
"Show me the 20 Minute room, that's all.
"The 20 minute room.
"Has to have a tv And a wake-up call.
"That's all.
"Do you have A drive-through ?
'Cause i know What i want."
Four hours.
Who are these guys who Need a room for four--
They think they do-- That's the way it is.
It's always That way with sex.
You're in the four hour Mode when you start.
You're like, "oh, This is gonna be a marathon.
I'm gonna wear a number On my back,
And people are gonna have To bring me cups of water.
It never adds up 'Cause it's always pacing.
That's what it is, That's my problem.
My pacing is off.
'Cause i start in The four hour pace,
But something-- You know what it is ?
You always go that one Move too far.
And then you Try to save it.
No, don't move, honey, Freeze !
Oh !
You moved, You moved !
It's not my fault !
Come on, You clearly exhaled.
Don't look at me.
( Sighing )
Where's the remote ?
So, um...
Hey, let me Ask you a question--
This is pretty good.
We're sitting together At a table,
And we both Ordered the same drink.
This is kinda--
Does this in any way resemble To you, like, a date ?
No.
No ? No.
What would make it more Like a date to you ?
If you were a different guy, I guess.
Huh.
( Applause )
( Clearing throat )
Can you hear me ?
Can you hear me In the back ?
What's he talking about ? There's nobody back there.
If you wanna move up,
There's some Seats up front, everybody.
Well, first of all, Thank you very much.
And this first song is A song that i wrote--
I'm a little nervous.
You'll have to Bear with me here.
I wrote it when i was 23 years old,
And discovering For the first time
That loving someone
Was no guarantee that they Would love you back.
It's called,
"Loving someone is no guarantee That they will love you back."
And it goes like-- Well, i was, uh...
Just to give you A little more background,
I was a student living In a farmhouse
With five of my best Friends, and my dog muzzy,
A black labrador.
I think He's losing them.
I think he's Losing me.
Anyway, i wrote This song in 1970.
I was a young man of 23, And, uh...
( Sighing )
Now, Much to my amazement,
I have a son that age.
In fact, He's here tonight.
Ben, why don't you stand Up and take a bow ?
No, no, that's--
My son, Ladies and gentlemen,
Benjamin daniel katz.
( Scattered applause ) Thanks.
Please let Him know, folks.
Thank you, dad.
Give it up one time For benny.
That's enough, dad.
I'm gonna sit Back down now, dad.
Hey, ben ? Yeah ?
Remember that song I used to sing for you
When you were little ?
Uh, no, No, i don't.
Let me Refresh your memory.
I actually wrote this Song for you.
( Singing ) * A boy, a bike
* A heart so full
* A mom, and a dad, and A little stuffed... *
* Bull
Oh, god, What have i done ?
Ben ? Dad ?
Will you Forgive me, please ?
Yes, yeah, Right away.
You're forgiven.
Is there some way I can make it up to you ?
The show's Up there, folks.
The show's on The stage.
Hey, hey.
Sorry i left.
I had to-- i came out Here to pee for a while.
Yeah, ugh.
Yeah, I had to get out.
That was Really painful.
I mean, that was Hard for me.
That was really, Really painful.
Yeah, that was Particularly hard on me.
I mean, he was tense, but I sort of tensed up there, too.
But you know what ?
It was, like, the good kind Of pain, you know.
Do you know what i mean By the good kind of pain ?
No, no.
Like, when you have A canker sore,
Like, right on The inside of your cheek,
And you just keep Chewing on it,
Because it's like The good kind of pain.
You can't stop.
It's sort of like... Like, a turn-on.
Really ? Yeah.
I could chew On sores all night.
I love 'em.
I love sores, I chew on a big sore...
How is your appetite ?
My appetite is Too good.
I just wanna Eat everything.
And you're afraid If you eat too much
You'll put on weight ?
Is that your big--
No, i'm afraid if i eat Too much, i'll get thinner.
What's wrong with you ?
Um...
I mean, really, What kind of a doctor
Asks a stupid question Like that ?
I feel hostile Towards you now.
That's okay, Just let it out.
I'm letting it out.
Okay, well, Let it out slowly.
How does it feel To be bald ?
Do you wanna hurt me ?
Is that what This is all about ?
Do you Wanna make me feel
The kind of pain You're feeling ?
I find you repulsive.
There's a hair, like-- You have nose hairs.
I find that so repulsive, To see nose hairs.
You have no idea.
Do you think I should wear them up ?
Are you sexually attracted To me at all ?
Ugh, That's a tough one.
I don't think that's An appropriate question.
This is A therapist's office.
I thought i was supposed To ask anything
I felt like asking.
You told me i could Say anything i want,
And now You're saying no ?
I'm not saying you Can't ask me,
But i need to Know why you ask.
I find you looking At me sometimes
In a very Leering manner.
That's a defect.
That's a palsy in my-- I was in an accident,
And i leer now.
I don't believe you.
I think that You're a pervert,
That you really are leering And ogling, you know,
Especially at My humongous breasts.
I, to tell you The truth,
Didn't even notice The size of them
And the shape of them.
Now i feel even worse.
No, i'm saying I never really took in
The fullness of Your breasts.
That's all, The weight of them.
Really ?
But, joy, in my role As a therapist,
How i feel about you as A man is not really germane.
Is there something Disgusting and despicable
And hideous about me that You haven't shared ?
I've shared it.
It feels a little Claustrophobic
In your house now,
With the twins and Your daughter ?
This is horrible,
But i actually make Little excuses now
Just to get Out of my house.
I'll do anything.
Anybody need anything ? Anything at all.
Anything from the Motor vehicle bureau, maybe ?
I'll do it.
Can i register Anything ?
I'm the guy.
It's on my way, I was going that way.
I was just going out to apply For jury duty, that's all.
Please, let me Out of the house.
So you're Saying it's hard
To get any work Done at home ?
My three-year-old Runs the house.
The hardest thing--
You know, i can't even Make a phone call.
Every business call i try In my house i screw up.
Yeah, oh yeah, the 15th Is fine with me.
I just need to Know where do you think
You're going with That cookie ? !
Put the cookie down !
Not you, sorry.
Didn't mean To scare you.
Oh, i didn't know you Were eating a cookie.
Of course I'm interested.
Every time i'm there-- I smell kaakie !
It's the kaakie, doc, That's what it is.
I have the twin towers of Poop in my house right now.
* Oops, you know What the music means.
Our time is up.